Coming out of the fog

OK, I know it's 5 am, but I actually did get a pretty good night's sleep. Without any sleeping pills! I did dream vividly about colonoscopies, though. In my dreams, I didn't get one, but I had many conversations about them. Probably because I've had many real-life conversations about colon cancer lately. I think colon cancer is a pretty common cancer as well. Stupid cancer.

I feel sort of like Laura Linney's character in the Showtime series "The Big C". In that show, her character (who also lives in Minnesota) is diagnosed with end-stage melanoma. So she starts to live life as if each day is her last. Which sounds cute and inspiring, but in reality, she becomes a little crazy. She'll say what's on her mind and do whatever she pleases, like having an affair with a relative stranger and even not telling her husband that she has cancer! OK, I guess I'm not like Laura Linney's character since I'm telling the world my story. And I have no aspirations to start sleeping around. But, I do feel a weird sense of freedom now. Mainly freedom to talk openly about this and how I'm feeling. And people are so nice to me! I'll take it while I can because I know that can't last forever.

I've been staying late at work most of the week, mainly because I haven't had the energy or desire to actually do the work when it should be done. So I haven't seen much of the outdoors, or my kids for that matter. However, I did go for a 3 mile run over lunch yesterday and it felt great. And you know what? I didn't GPS the distance or even time it! It may not have even been 3 miles! Maybe 2.7! I don't know and for once I didn't care. That's one lesson learned: sometimes it's fun to just go out and run.

I also haven't balanced our checkbook in over a month. Because money really isn't that important right now. Neither is catching up on the endless emails I receive. Or keeping the house clean. My Type A personality is going through a mini-transformation. I can pretty much guarantee that it will be a temporary one.

Tonight I am going out to dinner with a friend who has survived two different cancers, including the one I have. She's been a great resource for me and I'm looking forward to talking to her. And tomorrow our family is going maple syrup-ing at my cousin's cabin. It will be good to get out of town and good to be outdoors. I do miss the good old days, like February, when my main worries were work and figuring out how to get our over-scheduled kids to all of their activities. And I miss fighting with Lisa over stupid things. OK, I know that
sounds weird, but we haven't argued lately, because of this, and frankly I'd rather be fighting and not have cancer. Well, I'd rather do neither but you can't have everything.