Guilt

Is it possible to feel guilty for being diagnosed with cancer? Well, if you're as neurotic as I am, the answer is yes. I've ben through pretty much every other emotion in the past week, so why not?

Why feel guilty? I don't feel guilty because I did anything to cause my illness. OK, I maybe could have had my kids before the age of 30, but I did try! That and the fact that my breasts are made up of a lot of fibrous tissue, rather than fat(read they are size A at best) are the only risk factors I have. If I developed diabetes, then I WOULD have reason to feel like I had it coming, given that I exist on a diet of peanut butter and chocolate chips (more so in the past month!).

No, I feel guilty because I barely have cancer. Is that possible? Can you only have a little cancer? It is stage 0, meaning that at this point it will not metastasize and kill me. Left untreated it can change into a more aggressive form and that is why I need to remove it now. However, as I see it now, I will probably have a simple lumpectomy and some radiation. Not even any chemotherapy to make me sick! I have received many many messages of support and offers of help, and I actually feel bad that people are so willing to help out when I feel just fine! And I have heard many many stories lately of women who have it much harder than I do. Mastectomy, drugs, death, you name it.

I remember complaining to a friend of mine several years ago, when I was in the middle of toddler hell, and then I stopped myself and told her, Why am I complaining? I have everything I wanted? Look at how many people who want to have kids but can't, or who are poor, or sick? And I will never forget her response. Stop comparing yourself to others. You are having a hard time and you have the right to complain. It's ok to feel a little sorry for yourself, because sometimes life does suck. Not as much as it may suck for some others, but what difference does that make?

And she was right. Although I only have a little cancer, it still does suck. I can't compare myself to those who have it worse off, because there will always be people worse off. I can own my feelings because they are justified.

I was at a meeting tonight where the conversation devolved into a round and round discussion about a point that I thought was fairly insignificant, but others thought was important. Several of the people could not find a common ground and I had to listen to them argue for over half an hour. Finally, I interrupted and said that this argument was about a small point in a small part of their lives and that given where my life is right now, I have come to realize that these things really don't matter anymore. Looking back on it, I think that was a cheap shot on my part. Yes, I may have felt that arguing about this topic didn't matter to ME because I now have bigger fish to fry, but that doesn't make their feelings any less real. They were really upset and some feelings were hurt during the course of the argument. Again, it doesn't matter if one person has a terminal illness and another just lost their pet and another is upset because they are fighting with their spouse. It all sucks, and its ok to feel that way once in awhile.