Parenting

Why do I sometimes suck so much as a parent? I think there are several reasons:

A: All parents suck at least some of the time. It's just not an easy job.
B: I am easily frustrated by the irrationality of immature (read YOUNG) people. I like things to go as they should and I don't have the patience to put up with behavior that isn't orderly.
C: I am easily distracted by my own life (work, fun, cleaning the damn house), so I don't necessarily give the kids the attention they need. Or not. How much attention do they need, anyway? Then I am rewarded with attention-seeking behavior, or they get into things they shouldn't, or I don't always follow through with discipline so they keep repeating bad behavior because they can get away with it.
D: I am not a praiseful parent. I am curt, sarcastic, and probably speak to the kids in a frustrated tone of voice much of the time. Like if one of them gets hurt doing something they should know better than to do, my first impulse is to yell at them for getting into that situation, rather than comfort them because they're hurt.
E: A minor point, but Lisa and I don't like to cook much, so their diet does not consist of much homemade food. And I think a fruit is just as good to serve with dinner as a vegetable. And they get frozen pizza at least once, if not twice, a week.

Yeah, they're turning out all right so far, but I still feel like I am failing them in some way. I wish I could be like that Duggar mom (the one with like 20 kids). She seems to have that parenting thing down. Funny to think that I aspire to be like a conservative Christian with a bad hairdo and who only wears dresses, but it's true. I'm kind of jealous of her parenting ability. Our household is more like one that Supernanny would visit. Lots of chaos and yelling and unfinished chores. I even send the girls to school half the time without brushing their hair! Is that normal?

Well, parenting is hard, no doubt about that. But I love those kids too much to give them up. Hopefully they won't see my parenting as the farce it really is and choose to leave me instead.

Oh, and the Twins suck too. What's their excuse?

Is that the sun I see?

Wow! The sun finally came out! Although the day started out rainy, by noon it was actually warm enough to drive with my car window open a little. Just think, 2 weeks ago I was sitting on the beach getting sunburned. Wow. Why did I come back to this? Oh. Work. Friends. Family.

It's funny how the psyche adapts to surprising, and not necessarily good, news. I was in shock, then there was anxiety, then acceptance, then indecision as to what to do next. I know more about breast cancer and DCIS specifically than almost anyone I know. I wish it were clear-cut, but it's not. But it's good that I am over the shock part of it, because you can't get much done in that phase. Sort of like falling in love. If people stayed in that initial head-over-heals state forever, nothing would get done on this earth, right? And grief. One must eventually move on. It's not like you can't think about it, even several times a day, but it doesn't fill EVERY thought. It doesn't prevent you from getting through the day, and even enjoying it.

So I am now able to look at thing objectively, and realize that there is much hysteria surrounding breast cancer and even DCIS. I'm not going to rush out and get a bilateral mastectomy, like some women do, and I may not even opt for radiation. I know! It sounds crazy but there are many women who have small, low grade DCIS that is completely removed with good margins, who don't necessarily need radiation. I will obviously know more after my surgery (which is in 4 days, BTW).

One of my clients has had a tough year. Her husband died last fall of a chronic illness and her son is currently in ICU battling a rare auto-immune disease. To top it off, a semi truck slammed into her in February, sending her to ICU for a week with multiple pelvic fractures, etc. and to a rehab center for another month. She said her dogs were what got her through it all. Anyway, she also said that she learned a lot about herself in the past 6 months, and while it has been, and continues to be, very tough, she is a bit grateful for the life lessons it has taught her. Too bad we need disaster to teach us these things. Seriously! Many times we won't change our ways or our outlook unless we are forced to by a huge, life-changing event. It's human nature.

Eventually I will stop obsessing about breast cancer and move on to something else. But I will miss these days, because they are changing my life. I am more accepting of hugs. (!) I am more grateful for my friends. I am more sympathetic to people who have fallen on hard times. I am more aware of the trials that others are going through. Basically, I am less selfish.

By the way, the Xanax was AWESOME! I slept great last night! I can see where it could become addictive, however, so I need to be careful or my next blog will be about my stint in rehab. Ha!

Appointment 10 - Pre-op Physical #2

Well, since it's been 42 days since my last pre-op physical (when I didn't even have surgery), and they expire after 31 days, I got to go in again. This time I was going to see the physician's assistant that I normally see for my gynecologic exam. She's the one who had been telling me every year to get my mammogram.

But first, the appointment wasn't until 11 am, so spent the early part of the morning researching DCIS and the Van Nuys group out of USC (I'll write about that in a later blog), and then I was planning to go to the gym for a long workout. Except I couldn't find my car keys. I swear, I looked for an hour. The van, the house, the garbage, the laundry, all of my pockets, and then I repeated. No luck. I was getting desperate, so I took my scooter out of its winter hibernation, borrowed some gas from our neighbors, and prayed that it would start. It did! Good scooter! I was only able to work out for 30 minutes at the gym, then I scooted to the doctor's office. My appointment was at 11. I arrived at 10:55. I was brought into the exam room at 11:30 and the PA finally arrived at 11:55. The way my morning was going, I should have titled this entry "Wasted Time". I was in a pretty crabby mood by the time she came in, so the appointment didn't go as I had planned. It sort of starts things with a bad tone when you have to wait for so long. And no apology or explanation was given. In the vet business, we've learned long ago to acknowledge a client if there will be a wait, and to apologize and explain if it will be excessive. Heck, we will even offer a free nail trim or something. Maybe physicians can learn a thing or two. I would mindn't another pedicure (minus the scraping of my calluses) for my time. I was late for our weekly meeting at work because of this.

I love my scooter, but the first ride of the season is supposed to be on a warm sunny spring day. Except we haven't had any of them this year. Instead, it was 45, windy, and it even rained a little.

The keys did show up tonight, courtesy of Claire. When she found out about the $5 reward, she produced the keys in like 30 seconds. I think she may have taken them last night to try to open a locked bathroom door (at least that's what Morgan claims, although Claire denies it).

Instead of prescribing Ambien like I've had in the past, the PA recommended Xanax, an anti-anxiety medication. She thinks I've been under a little stress lately. I'll be interested to see how it works and I'll let you know tomorrow. I just took it so if this entry sort of ends without explanation, you'll know that it worked and I fell asleep mid-sentence.

A couple of good things did happen today. Lisa got a promotion to full clinical professor and my sister-in-law's breast lump was diagnosed as a benign cyst! Yay! And I lost 0.4 pound, which is by no means the most important good news of the day, but I know you were wondering.

No effect from the Xanax yet, but I'm signing out anyway. Good night!

My small world

One of my co-workers marvels at how small my world is. I seem to run into people I know in random places. Either that, or maybe I just know a ton of people! Anyway, my small world was demonstrated today when one of my clients came in with her dog. Her husband came as well, and I had never met him before. He was wearing scrubs, so I asked if he was in the medical field. I am an RN, he replied. Where? Abbott. Wow, I'm having surgery there on Monday! I said. That is when his wife piped in, Where in Abbott? The Piper Breast Center, I replied. Turns out, she works in the surgery ward at Piper! She's a nurses aid. I told her she'd better take very good care of me.

Other than that, today was a pretty boring day. This cold rainy weather is getting everyone down. Lisa was quite sick today and ended up being close to an abdominal CT scan to check for appendicitis. However, the doc (who is also my family practitioner - no coincidence there) thinks it was a flare up of ulcers she's had in the past. Hmmm... Do you think stress had anything to do with it? She's feeling better now after a ton of antacids.

I have my pre-op physical tomorrow, and I think I'm going to ask for a prescription for some sleeping pills. I feel sort of like a failure, given that I was almost weaned off of sleep aids, but at this point I need sleep more than a sense of accomplishment. Add that to my 4 pound weight gain over the past 3 weeks, and my inability to run 7 miles yesterday, and I'm feeling super good about myself!

If only the sun would shine. That would make a world of difference, wouldn't it?

Appointment 9 - Radiation Oncology Consult

There's nothing better than a good run. And not many thing are worse than a bad one. This morning started out so promising. I had a great night's sleep and was ready to begin my 7.5 mile run (twice around the lake) at 7:30 am. About 2 miles into it, my knees were bothering me a little. I stopped at home after the first lap to switch dogs and do a little stretching. It helped for about a mile. I still had 2.5 miles to go and could tell my old IT band issue was flaring up again. $&@(-/!!!!! I had to walk/run the last 2 miles and it took forever to get home. Six hours later, my legs are still bothering me, but now I can't take Advil in preparation for surgery next week. But worse, now the fear is back. For those who don't know, the IT (iliotibial) band is a band of connective tissue that starts at the ilium (hip bone) and attaches on the tibia, just below the outer knee. I have had problems with this particular part of my body for 4 years. It has resulted in me having to drop out of training for several running events, and even give up running altogether for almost a year. I could write a whole book on the doctor's visits I've had about my stupid knee, but I won't bore you with the details. I changed my gait last year, and have been relatively pain free since then. But now I don't know. Was this just a bad day, or a harbinger for things to come? Am I heading down that dark path path of injury again? The problem with IT band syndrome is you generally don't feel any pain until a mile or so into into a run. So there's no way to gauge how it's doing without starting a run and hoping and prying that the familiar twinge won't start up again.

I know now to take it easy at the first sign of trouble, so no running until the big Jami's Group of Losers 6K this Sunday. Then another week off next week to recover from surgery. This puts my training back a bit, but what are you going to do? Actually, if this were an Mitch Albon-type inspirational story, I would say that I have a new outlook on life and that I will only run for fun, without putting the pressure of a goal or race on me. But this is real life and I'm getting sick of my stupid connective tissue telling me I can't run a marathon, dammit!

Wow, it's only 9:30 am, and I've already written a page of drivel. Let's move on to my appointment...

I was late meeting my mom at North Memorial outpatient radiation therapy for my initial consultation, partly because my "run" took longer than planned, and partly because there is construction on the main road leading to the medical building. I noticed that the waiting room was stocked with cookies! I see some weight gain in my future... The nurse took us in and went over my recent history. Then she discussed the procedure and side effects. Basically, I would come in for a 2 hour planning session after my surgery. At that point, I would be measured and tattoed. During that appointment, I would have several x-rays taken as well as a chest CT scan (not for dianognosing anything, just for measuring). There would be 28 "regular" treatments (over 6 weeks), then 5 "boost" treatments, for a total of 33. That's 6 and 1/2 weeks of going in every weekday. The treatments only take 5 minutes and they try very hard to keep on schedule. The side effects of radiation tend to be a "sunburn" effect in the region, tenderness, changes the texture of the breast (which may be temporary), and fatigue. In addition, a tiny part of my lung and liver would be radiated, which theoretically could increase the risk of cancer in those organs. In addition, my ribs will be more prone to fracture during trauma.

Then Dr. Kosiak came in. A very nice guy with a colorful tie. We talked for over 30 minutes (maybe longer!). He discussed all of the options, including mastectomy, lumpectomy only, lumpectomy with radiation, lumpectomy with Tamoxofin, and lumpectomy with radiation and Tamoxifin. I have a very small tumor, and it does not appear to be aggressive. The only thing thing against me is my young age. He told of a group in California that has shown that in certain situations, surgery alone may be as good as with radiation, but nobody else has been able to replicate their results.

The stats in general are as follows: survival with lumpectomy alone is nearly 100%. However, recurrence with surgery alone is around 30%, with half being DCIS again, and half being invasive cancer. With surgery and radiation, the risk drops to 10-15%, again, with half being invasive cancer. So the invasive cancer risk drops from 15% with surgery alone to 8%  with surgery plus radiation.

The thing to keep in mind is that because my tumor is so small and not terribly aggressive, I may be one of the people who would have a very low recurrence rate (even less than 8%) even without radiation. The trouble is, the studies on this have not been completed. The other thing is, you can only radiate a breast once. If it does come back, I would need a mastectomy. So do I take my chances now, or later? Seriously, I'm asking this of you blog readers. Would you do the radiation? Feel free to answer as a comment. I asked the doc what he would do, and he kind of hedged a little, but leaned towards doing radiation, mostly because of my young age. I love being able to make choices about my treatment, but it does put a lot of responsibilty on me as well, don't you think?

Anyway, he also did a fairly complete exam on me, which was surprising. Too bad I can't use this exam as the pre-surgical exam that I have scheduled for Wednesday. This marks the 6th time my breasts have been "handled" since Feb. 28. Not that I'm counting.

Family

Well, I "outed" myself at church this morning. I gave the minister the ok to announce my illness. Although many church members already knew, I wasn't ready to make a big announcement until now. I wanted to make sure my kids were ok first, and also to have some idea what the game plan was going to be. I got a lot of support after the services, some who had been through breast cancer or had a close relative with the disease themselves. One church friend appears to have had DCIS 2 times. She had a lumpectomy and radiation twice (once each side - 8 years apart). The second time, the surgeon was really pushing for mastectomy, but she thankfully got a second opinion and was able to save her breast! It seems like mastectomy is probably more common that it needs to be, given that the survival statistics for lumpectomy/radiation is equal to that of mastectomy in many cancers. But some women feel better being more aggressive. I think I would be more cautious, and given my propensity to research everything, would make sure that mastectomy was the very best option before choosing such a radical treatment.

My sister-in-law discovered a lump in her breast on Friday. Needless to say, she was pretty freaked out. She went to the doctor right away, and they think it's a cyst, but she's having a mammogram and ultrasound this Wednesday to be sure. That's 5 days of waiting! I totally feel her pain. I even brought my Breast Book to Easter today in case she wanted to read about cysts! She politely declined. I also offered to ultrasound her at the vet clinic. Also declined. Just trying to help!

My parents having been reading this blog, and my dad said something interesting to me today. I thought I inherited my insomnia from my mom, but I guess I get it from both sides of the family. He said he totally understood my difficulty sleeping these days, as he had the same problem after failing a cardiac stress test 20 years ago. There was a month between the first test and the angioplasty, and it was very difficult month for him. He dreaded nightfall because it meant another long night of anxiety about his health, and also about his inability to sleep. My dad doesn't say much, so this was a lot. Interesting perspective. I didn't think my insomnia was totally related to cancer, because I'm not really thinking about it too much at night. Or maybe I'm lying to myself. I'm sort of mad because several of my 40 year goals have flown out the window. I'm back on nightly Benadryl. After being within 2 pounds of my ideal weight, now I'm gaining. And I probably won't have time for my goal of becoming a certified personal trainer any time soon. Oh, well. I suppose this disease is trying to teach me to slow down and put less pressure on myself. Whatever. Like cancer is totally going to change my personality. Well, it can try.

BTW, I bought an even better pair of Keen sandals to replace the pair I lost in Hawaii. In case you were wondering.

Fat and lazy

My Loser team is going to KILL me. I gained weight in Hawaii, and instead of losing it this week, I'm gaining more! WTH? As I've been whining about all week, I haven't been sleeping well, plus the weather sucks, so I have plenty of excuses for not exercising, right? Jillian Michaels wouldn't say so. She'd be kicking my ass! Well, I'm going to kick my own ass starting on Monday. I plan to give up Pepsi and chocolate chips for the week. I've done it before, so I know it's possible. And I plan to run 7 miles Monday morning, weather permitting.

I've been in a 3-4 day funk, and I'm not sure why. I think it's time to take the bull by the horns and start controlling what I can control, diet and exercise being among those things. I'm putting this in writing so if you see me slipping (eg sipping Pepsi), you can, and should, call me on it. Please!

Well, it's 8 pm Easter Eve, so Lisa and I had better get to the store to do the Easter Bunny's shopping. No time like the present, I say. Maybe it will all be on CLEARANCE.

Information, please.

I wish I were still in Hawaii, writing this blog as I drank a beer and listened to the ocean waves crashing onto shore. Instead, I'm doing it from my office while listening to nature music via Pandora internet radio. Not quite the same.

Actually, I love Minnesota but everyone here will readily admit that this was a tough winter. Is the end in sight? I am ready to start planting the garden, mowing the lawn, getting in over my head with another home improvement project.

Last night I took 2 Benadryl and 2 Advil and tried to go to bed at 8 pm. I was so tired I could hardly see straight. Well, it kind of worked; I fell asleep by 10:30. Maybe I am finally back in the Central Time Zone.

I am getting anxious again about the cancer. I'm not worried about dying or anything like that. I am mainly worried because I don't know what to expect with the surgery and radiation. I don't know what meds will be recommended and what the side effects will be. I just don't know, and that is not a position I do well in. Also, I am having crazy emotional swings about it recently. I'm mostly fine but then out of the blue I'll get really anxious and depressed. I know this is all normal. That doesn't mean I have to like it, right? I am glad to have another appointment coming up because that means more information. Good. My mom and I are meeting with the radiation oncologist on Monday. Then the pre-op physical on Wednesday. Then surgery a week from Monday. Finally, things will be moving along.

It's funny how we all react differently to bad or unexpected news, right? Nine years ago my brother's son was born with a severe and rare congenital heart defect. He had surgery when he was about a week old. My brother asked countless questions of the doctors and researched the surgery and the disease for hours. Six months later a friend's daughter was born with the exact same rare heart defect! She and her husband were of course worried and upset, but they didn't want to know the details. I don't think they got on the internet even once. They also had great faith in God and sort of let it be at that. By the way, both kids are doing great.

Well, can you guess which type of person I am? Anyone?

Jet. Lag. Ugh.

I underestimated the jetlag I would feel coming back from Hawaii. I mean, it's part of the U.S., right? Well, this is the third full day back and I continue to struggle with insomnia at night and an inability to wake up in the morning. I don't want to get too caffeinated up today because I am in surgery and I don't want my hands to shake.

Being tired just makes life suck, doesn't it? I am pretty much just walking through the day, unable to get any enjoyment out of it, and getting stressed about not being able to sleep tonight. I should go for a run over lunch, but I feel I would pass out in the middle of the sidewalk! I know, I know, exercise does help.

Jalen is having a rough time, too. He is turning into a snotty little tween. I am giving him the benefit of the doubt this week due to the jetlag. Hopefully it will not continue or there will be hell to pay.

Being back at work makes me really appreciate the profession I have chosen. I truly love what I do. My staff is awesome (if a little insubordinate). My clients are great. There are interesting things coming through the door every day. It does get a little stressful at times, but I am sure every job is like that.

OK. I wrote that last paragraph between surgeries. After the surgeries were done, I was planning on having a leisurely lunch. Perhaps even go to REI to replace my beloved sandals. However, this job can be very unpredictable and two sick animals just showed up during my last surgery. So no lunch break, I imagine. That's one of the stressful part of my job. Its unpredictability. I have a friend who is going to start a veterinary dermatology residency soon, and as much as I think it's crazy to want to practice derm full-time, I can see the benefits. There are very few derm emergencies.

Well, at least I have peanut butter and chocolate chips to help me get through the day. That always makes it better.

Jumping back in with both feet

We went to bed at 9 pm last night. Except I was the lone person who couldn't sleep. So I took 2 Benadryl tablets and finally crashed at about midnight. Getting up this morning was no easy task, so I drank a 5 hour Energy shot. I think the combination of the sedative (Benadryl), stimulant (caffeine plus a proprietary energy blend) plus 10 hours of sleep in 2 days' time was not a good mix. I felt like somone who drank a can of the banned Four Loco energy/alcohol drink. I stumbled into work and couldn't concentrate on what anyone was telling me. I thought I heard that two of my patients had died of mesenteric torsions last night. Wait, that DID happen! Do you know what a mesenteric torsion is? It's when your entire intestinal tract twists around its blood vessels. It immediately loses its blood supply and the intestines die within hours. Very few (I mean one in a hundred) dogs will survive this catastrophic event. Fortunately, it is rare. I have been a vet for 16 years and I have seen it twice. So imagine my surprise when I heard about one of my patients that my associate euthanized last night due to a suspected torsion, and another one of my patients that died during surgery at the U of MN early this morning. That's TWO in one night! WTH??? And they were both awesome dogs with great owners. Damn the luck! One was only 15 months old! Her owner called me later in the morning to discuss it. She was still hysterical and sobbing on the phone, and in such a state of shock because it all happened so quickly. So sad.

Fortunately, my associate and relief vets did a great job when I was gone and my phone list was surprisingly short. So I had some time over lunch to make FOUR doctor appointments. Radiation oncologist next Monday. Pre-op physical (again!) next Thursday. Regular oncologist in 4 weeks. Genetic counselor in July (they book out quite a bit ahead, don't they?). I really really wanted to have the radiation done in Maple Grove, but after many conversations with my insurance company, it was determined that that particular facility wasn't covered. So it looks like I'll be spending the month of June driving 15 miles each way every day to North Memorial for my radiation therapy. Now I have buyer's remorse. Did I pick the right oncologist (I was referred to him by my surgeon)? Should I have tried to make it work to have radiation in Maple Grove? Should I see my regular doc for my pre-op, even though I have to miss work to see him, or should I go to my physician's assistant (whom I haven't seen since she lectured me on the importance of a baseline mammogram last fall)?

I got a message today from a friend who has the same cancer I do. She was diagnosed the same way - baseline mammogram showed calcifications, which led to a biopsy ("probably nothing, but just to be sure"), and the fateful phone call after the results came back. She describes how she still has post-traumatic stress moments. Because it is a shock. Any time a person gets diagnosed with cancer it's a shock, but more so if you're not even sick to begin with. It was just a routine screening test!

Well, at least my intestines haven't twisted on their blood supply. I wonder if people ever get that...

Home!

Wow. I am so tired, this page is actually blurry. It was a long trip back, starting at 8 pm Hawaii time and ending at 6 pm Central time the next day. We had only one small glitch when our flight from LA to Chicago was delayed and we had to reschedlue the final leg. But even our luggage made it back with us!

I returned to a pile of mail that included a card from someone special to me. Her daughter is the friend of mine that I mentioned in an earlier post who died of breast cancer 2 years ago. The family has four daughters, and they're the neatest group of people. The friend who passed away was a college roommate of mine. I am also friends with her sister, who was also treated for breast cancer at around 40. The mom also had breast cancer. Suffice it to say the two younger sisters are being monitored very closely. Anyway, her note acknowledged that she is aware of what I'm going through and that I shouldn't let cancer interfere with my life. Between work, kids, and home, I have little time for it. So true. I am actually trying right now to figure out how to fit 30 sessions of radiation therapy into my schedule. I'll make it work, but it won't be easy.

Anyway, I appreciated the note. I've gotten a few other notes and messages, and I remember them all. I appreciate people asking me about my diagnosis because I don't want to bring it up all the time and bore people with it. But it is a big part of my life right now and it is nice to able to talk about it. I wish I were as thoughtful before when I had friends going through big life events. Because of my experience, I will be more thoughtful in the future. I have a client who told me about his recent back surgery and the pain he continues to be in. It obviously affects his life daily. So I asked a lot of questions about it and he spent about 5 minutes telling me his story. At the end, he thanked me for asking. That's all people need sometimes. Someone to give them permission to talk about what ails them.

Anyway, it's good to be home. I'm excited to go back to work tomorrow, to re-start my diet (I have just a few more pounds to lose!), to plan my summer (with two surgeries - breast and elbow), to start getting ready to apply for ABVP certification, to increase my running mileage, to help coach my sons' soccer team, to get our garden and landscaping in order, to be as busy as I normally am. Yep, I don't really have time for this cancer stuff, do I?

Kauai Part 9 - Going home

I am writing earlier than normal because our flight is at 8:30 tonight and I won't have internet access until tomorrow. However, The early hour isn't preventing me from am sitting on the patio, listening to the ocean waves, and drinking a beer. The last one of the trip, I'm afraid.

This morning I ran my longest vacation distance yet, 4.5 miles. Perhaps it was because I started out later than normal (6:15 am), but it was pretty hot and humid. Sort of reminded me of July in Minnesota. I took the kids to our favorite beach and the surf was great! However, Claire and I collided during a particularly spectacular wipeout and sort of injured ourselves. Good bruises to show the folks at home.

I grilled some burgers for lunch and now we are packed and ready to go. Except I don't want to leave just yet. We have a few hours and we'll do some more island exploring before going to the airport. For my Facebook weight loss group, our weigh-ins are on Mondays. I didn't want to miss 2 weigh-ins due to the vacation, so I actually packed my scale. The scale had a great time! We took photos of it sunning on a beach towel, boogie boarding, lounging by the pool with a Mai tai, snorkeling, etc. Only those in my FB loser group have been privy to the pictures, although Lisa wants to make a collage of them. If I were more technically savvy, I would post them on the blog, but I took them with my phone, so I don't know how to transfer them.

I finished the 700+ page The Breast Book on this trip. I'm sure reading a book like that while poolside garnered some second looks. Lisa didn't like me reading it because I got all introspective afterwards. I learned a ton and may need to call my surgeon this week to ask a few clarifying questions. Soon I will post a summary of what I know about breast cancer. But not yet. I never called work once on this trip. I didn't answer any emails (I think). So 2 out of 3 isn't bad, right?

Mahalo, Hawaii, for a really good time. See you soon, Minnesota. Please warm up a little, ok?

Kauai Part 8 - Ocean 1, Jami 0

Lisa had to give lectures all morning and then SCUBA in the afternoon, so I had the kids all day. They can really wear a person down. The fighting! The bickering! The name calling! And the kids didn't get along with each other, either! Ha ha.

We spent the morning at the pool and then explored the South coast after lunch. We stopped at Glass Beach (named because of the millions of small pieces of broken glass in the sand), and then hiked through lava rocks and a coffee plantation to a secluded little beach in a bay. We had to cross a small river to get to the beach, and my sandals got wet, so I took them off and put them on the sand to dry. The kids swam for about 30 minutes and then I gathered them up to make the one mile trek back to the car. Except my sandals were nowhere to be seen. The ocean took them! We looked everywhere, but no sign of them. I know you are telling me, I told you so. But give me a break! I grew up in Minnesota! You couldn't get farther from the ocean and still be in the U.S.! And lakes don't slide their tentacles onto shore to steal things like the ocean does. And these weren't some cheap flip flops. These were my very favorite $100 Keen sandals from REI. So I was sad about losing them and sad about the long trip in bare feet. The kids were cute. The boys went barefoot too, in solidarity with me, and the girls kept thinking of ways to come up with $100 to buy me a new pair of sandals. All I kept thinking about was the pedicure I got last week, where the lady filed off all of my calluses. They're there for a reason! Case in point!

My mood didn't improve when we picked up Lisa from her SCUBA adventure. I think I ruined her excitement over being certified. To make up for it, I thought it would be nice get get a drink at the local pizza joint in Koloa, but they wouldn't let us in with no shoes. We did look pretty rough. Morgan was wearing a dress but no underwear. Lisa had just spent 3 hours under water. The rest of us were covered in the red clay that makes up this island.

We couldn't get into the shower soon enough. I feel much better being clean and with a cold beer. We leave tomorrow, and in think we're all ready to go. Hawaii is really nice, but we miss home. Morgan cried for 30 minutes last night over our psycho cat, Chandler. Our rat terrier Kirby's Facebook status showed him as missing his family.

Our flight home isn't after 8 pm tomorrow, so we essentially have another day here. However, this is my last sunset on the island where I can sit with a beer in hand and listen to the waves crashing into shore. I will miss that.

Kauai Part 7 - The end is near

It actually rained for more than 5 minutes today. In fact, our friend's helicopter tour was canceled due to poor visibility. It did not deter us from SCUBA diving, however. Lisa has been taking classes in MN and did her first 2 of 4 certification dives this morning. She has the remaining 2 tomorrow. I was certified way back in 1988 and have not dived since. Well, other than a refresher class I took last month. So I went with Lisa today and it was really neat! We saw dozens of different fish, Moray eels, and even a sea turtle! Good experience.

After lunch we went back to our favorite beach, Kealia Beach in Kapa'a. There is a big surf at this beach, which makes it great for boogie boarding. So far this trip, we have been to 6 beaches - Ke'e, Tunnels, Kealia, Kalapaki, Poipu, and Koloa Landing. The neat thing about Kauai is that all of the beaches are public, so you can enjoy any strip of sand you want. However, you do need to be careful. For instance, I would never let the kids swim on the beach by our condo - the waves look much too treacherous. On average, 15 people die each year in the ocean around Hawaii. I also like how dogs don't seem to be forbidden on Kauai beaches. They have so much fun! Our lab Gunther, however, would drink so much sea water while swimming that he would probably die of salt toxicity.

After the beach we spent some time souvenir shopping in Kapa'a. We also had our first coconut milk - not very good, in our opinion. We did buy some fresh fruit and vegetables and had our Massachusetts friends over for dinner. In the almost one week we've been here, we've only eaten out once! Well, that wasn't paid for by the conference. Not bad, huh?

The trip is coming to a close. I had a great time, but it will be good to get back home, even if it is snowing (so I hear). We've put our lives on hold for a week and I'm itching to get back in the action. I'm not much for relaxing - I really have to force it and that takes work!

I will, however, miss the tropical birds singing and the breeze coming in through the windows, and the roosters crowing at 3 am. OK, maybe not the roosters. I will also miss the relaxed pace on the islands, and the rich history, and the natural beauty. I won't miss the fights Lisa and I have about the air conditioning. We'll start that one up again in June.

Kauai Part 6 - Hawaii Nice

We've been driving around this island for almost a week and I have noticed that I have yet to hear a car horn. And when I need to merge, people actually stop to let me in! This is different from almost every other place I have traveled to. Usually, I miss the niceness from the upper Midwest. Not so much here; I think Hawaii actually beats Minnesota in that category. Like I said in an earlier post, everyone seems happy here. And why not? Except for having to pay $8 for a gallon of milk and $4.50 for a gallon of gas, there's not really much to complain about. Every day is 80 degrees and every night it is 70 degrees. Partly sunny, occasional brief shower, not too humid.

Lisa was gone lecturing all day, so I had kid duty. After my morning run along the beach, I made pancakes for breakfast, then we visited the Kauai Museum. Luckily, we arrived just in time for the daily tour! The docent was a 70 year old man who definitely had his own opinions. He talked politics and conspiracy theories rather than educating us on the history of Hawaii. He spent 20 minutes in front of a large photo of the last Hawaiian queen and talked about tsunamis and World War 2 instead. We never even learned her name! The kids got bored pretty quickly so we self-toured the rest.

Afterwards, we visited a nearby plantation and I had a rum tasting (Koloa Rum). The kids weren't allowed in the tasting room so they kept jumping up to look in the window. You can imagine that scene. We finally gave them some rum cake to calm them down.

Tonight the entire family got to go to a luau put on by the conference. Not only did we all get free passes, but we had VIP seating too! The food was incredible and the entertainment was fabulous. Morgan even got onstage with the dancers to perform a hula dance!

Wow, it's after 10 - two late nights in a row. Pretty soon my body will be on Hawaii time, just in time to return home.

Kauai Part 5 - Holy sunburn!

Damn you, Hawaii, for being so close to the equator! And damn you, ocean, for washing off our sunscreen! And damn you, northern European ancestry, for making us so susceptible to UV rays! Yes, we just can't keep up and we are all suffering from some degree of sunburn. Spending 6 hours a day in or near a body of water will do that, I guess. We are applying waterproof SPF 50 at least twice a day, plus having the kids wear swim shirts. I guess it's not enough. I think we'll take a break from swimming tomorrow to allow our skin to recover. Being that we took the kids out of school for a week, I think an educational trip to the Kauai Museum is in order.

The day started at its customary 5 am, but this time we actually had to be somewhere at an early hour. We boarded the Black Beauty helicopter at 7 am and I must say it was pretty awesome. This island is so beautiful one can almost begin to suffer from beauty fatigue. So I may not have appreciated it all at the time, but I've been thinking about the sights all day. There are parts of the island that get on average 480 inches of rain each year, but a few miles over there are cacti growing! The big canyon looks almost like the Grand Canyon. There are literally dozens of huge waterfalls coming down the mountain. It is truly a tropical paradise.

We spent the rest of the day at two beaches, snorkeling and boogie boarding. Hence, the sunburn. For dinner, we met up with some of Lisa's colleagues. It was good to see these friends we only see every year or so. The reason we are even in Hawaii is that Lisa is giving a bunch of lectures at a veterinary emergency and critical care conference, so many of her ECC buddies are here. The conference starts tomorrow and Lisa is of course still working on her talks.

I've had a few glasses of wine so I'm going to call it a day. Goodnight.

Kauai Part 4 - That costs HOW much?

Remember when I was first diagnosed with DCIS? And I said that some of the things I thought were important no longer were? And money was one of them? Well, old habits die hard. I (and my brother too) inherited the Stromberg Frugal Gene from our father. I can't help it! It's biology! But I am trying to be a little less uptight about money. Case in point: Lisa really really really REALLY wants to go on a helicopter ride while we're here. It's supposed to be phenomenal. It's also phenomenally priced. How much? Well, you can rent a mini van for a week for about half what it costs for a family of 6 to take a 55 minute helicopter ride. So I sort of said no. But we met a family today who also had four young kids and said the helicopter ride was awesome. It brought tears to the woman's eyes. Well. I am trying to be a better Jami. Live life to its fullest and all. So I called a company, got some money knocked off the total AND a free DVD of our experience, and we are going on a ride tomorrow morning! I wish I were taping Lisa when I told her. She was a like a 6 year old on Christmas morning. I hope it is worth the money. Actually, I just hope I relax about the money and have a good time. And I also hope we don't crash.

Lisa and I are well-suited in this regard. I hold back on spending money and she thinks it grows on trees. If we were partnered with someone just like each of us, Lisa would be bankrupt and I would be sitting on a pile of money and no fun a la Ebenezer Scrooge. She does make me give myself permission to just go for it once in awhile. And I have seen Lisa actually cutting coupons.

Today was sort of a lazy day. We started by taking an inner tube tour down some renovated sugar cane irrigation ditches. It was pretty fun - there were 5 tunnels and a few small rapids. We also learned about how Hawaii becoming a state pretty much did in its sugar cane industry, because overnight the plantation owners had to start paying the laborers minimum wage, and it became very difficult to compete with developing countries like the Phillipines.

We spent part of the afternoon lounging by the pool, drinks in hand. Then we drove down to Popoi on the south shore and went snorkeling. It is really neat seeing all of the colorful fish in their natural environment, but the water was pretty rough and at one point a stranger had to help rescue Morgan, who panicked when her tube got water in it. I wonder why more people don't drown in the ocean, because in think it's a crazy body of water.

On the way home we stopped at Walmart, of all places, to stock up on groceries. Since we let each kid pick out some candy, I'm sure they will say that was the highlight of their day! Oh well, we try.

Kauai Part 3 - Hawaii Time

As Jalen has repeatedly noted, we are in paradise. Who wouldn't want to live here? I'd give up skiing in a heartbeat to wake up every single day to hundreds of different bird songs, to be able to grow my own fruit, to be able to surf whenever I wanted. Everyone here truly seems happy! So why don't more people move to Hawaii? What are we afraid of? High prices? Inability to get a job in our chosen profession? Does any of that really matter compared to paradise? However, the more I think about it, the more I realize that I live in my own paradise, even in Minnesota in January. I like the life that I've made there, and I also like that I can get out of there once in awhile and experience other forms of paradise.

Everything closes early in Kauai. The first night here I went to get a beer at the poolside cabana and it was last call. At 6 pm! We got some burgers tonight at a famous burger joint (Ono Char-Burger) and it too closed at 6 pm. I think it's because the island caters to tourists, most of whom are from the mainland U.S. and are still 3-6 hours ahead of Hawaii time. I actually like it. The kids fall asleep by 8 (I did too last night), and since we're up before dawn, we get a whole lot of stuff done before noon.

Today I went for run along the beach. I discovered an ad hoc campground with a dozen primitive sites only 100 yards from our condo. Had I known that, I would have packed a tent and we would have saved a ton of money! We were on the road by 8:30 am and started with a hike to a waterfall, where we went swimming in our own private swimming hole. The we drove the the northern coast of the island to a snorkel beach, where we rented some snorkel gear and swam
among the fish in the coral reef. The kids loved it! And learned that coral is sharp and can injure a person.

The day was busy and spent outdoors. Claire got a bit sunburned yesterday, thanks to our distracted parenting. With four, it is easy to forget to apply sunscreen to one of them, or make sure they all brush their teeth. Actually, Lisa is 90% sure she did sunscreen Claire yesterday, but the waves probably knocked it off of her skin when they knocked her down 40 times.

Oops, it's 8 pm! Time for bed! Go ahead, call me at 5 am tomorrow. I'll be up, I'm sure.

Kauai Part 2 - Can we send the kids back to the mainland?

I love my kids. I really do. Although people hearing the way I yell at them sometimes may not believe it. But they make me do it! I think it's the numbers. I could handle one or two. But when you have four kids, there are many permutations of ways for them to aggravate each other, and by association, their parents.

The kids starting waking up at 5 am this morning Not too bad considering the ubiquitous island roosters start waking up at 3 am. I think that the long travel day and jet lag finally hit them because we had a ROUGH morning. They fought about everything! I can't even count how many times we had to discipline them before noon.

The day did get better. We drove up to some scenic overlooks and then took a boat cruise up a river to the Fern Grotto. Apparently tens of thousands of people have been married at the Fern Grotto, so the tour guide talked about marriage and weddings a lot. Maybe it's because I was a little crabby from the kids, but I got a little annoyed after awhile. Like all these couples on the boat ride were so proud of how long they've been married. I wanted to ask, But are you happy? Are you still putting in the work to make sure it is the best marriage it could be? Or maybe, What about us? Lisa and I have been together for 15 years and are raising 4 kids
together, but where's our applause? Actually, if I were a better person, I would have shouted out our "marriage" stats, but I wasn't feeling up to stirring the pot.

We lunched back at the condo. Eating in is probably saving us a lot of money, but seeing how
much things cost at the grocery stores here, I'm not so sure. Then we spent the afternoon on the beach. The kids had a blast wave-diving and boogie-boarding. I did too. The waves are bigger here than what we've experienced in other parts of the U.S. and I got a little nervous. Especially for Claire, who repeatedly got knocked down by waves, disappeared under the water for a few seconds, then came back up for more punishment. Because of my apprehension, I actually had to pay attention to the kids in the water, so no reading or napping on the beach for me!

Like I said, the day got better. The kids are crashing and I've had a couple of beers. I'm back to lying on the bed with the tropical breeze and waves as my background music. Oh, and the roosters.

Kauai Part 1 - Travel Day

I am lying here on my bed in the condo we have rented in Kauai, Hawaii. The windows are open (mainly because Lisa's gone out to get groceries and I can do whatever I damn well please until she gets back and turns on the AC). I can literally hear the waves from my room! It is only 7:30 pm, but our internal clocks say 12:30 am, so I made the kids go to bed. 5 minutes later, they're all asleep. Yes!

Unlike most other vacations, I have done almost zero planning for this one. Lisa has been the one reading the travel guides and arranging our activities. My only job was to get the car rented. I must say, we saved hundreds on dollars by using www.discountcarrentalhawaii.com. Really! It sounded too good to be true, but we did get the car! It's a minivan, of course, and I will note right now that you could rent 2 sedans for less than 1 minivan. Why? Back to the planning. My goal is to just chill. Most of our vacations tend to be very active ones. I drag the entire family to every sightseeing attraction possible, because you never know when we'll make it back here, you know. I think our kids' main vacation memories are walking. Usually In 90 degree weather and usually in a hurry. This vacation, our memories will be mainly lying on the beach sipping Mai Tais. Well, that will be mine. Who knows what the kids will do?

We were in an airport or on a plane for over 13 hours today. All in all, the kids did pretty well. I'm so proud of them! No one got lost and no one had a meltdown. They even hauled their own luggage around. We were a little nervous early on when BOTH girls had diarrhea about 4 times in an hour at the Denver airport. But that seems to have resolved.

I'm sure I'll be up at 5 am local time. Good opportunity to go for a run and check this place out. Other than that, who knows what the day will bring? Serenity now! (Or as my techs at work would say, "Cerenia now!" - inside vet joke, ha ha.)

P.S. It is not lost on me that I didn't bring up breast cancer once in today's blog. Doh! Until now. I'm trying a new technique of actually thinking and writing about other things.

Run with it

A friend of mine started a blog recently. In fact, it was her blog that inspired me to start my own. Her blogger id (or whatever you call it) is Run With It. I love it! Way cooler than mine, which is, I believe, Jami Stromberg. I love to run. It is the purest form of exercise. You don't need any equipment or teammates. With the barefoot craze of late, you don't even need shoes. When I am running, I am not accountable to anyone. I can let my thoughts go wherever they want to. It's way better to do that during the endorphin high of a run than in the middle of an insomnia-filled night. Lately, you can guess where my thoughts have been headed. I usually end a run with some mental clarity about a problem or concern I've been having. A friend of mine considers herself an introvert, and is a very spiritual person. She gets her strength through quiet meditation. Her husband is the opposite. He gets his strength by playing team sports or going on some kind of athletic adventure. I think I am more of an extrovert (hence the blog), but the beauty of running is that it allows for reflection and spirituality even while being physically active. In fact, the active part of it makes it even better spiritually.

I sort of committed myself to running the Twin Cities Marathon this fall, as part of a church project. I am happy to say that my long run so far this season is 7 miles! However, my Mondays, when I usually do my long run, have been taken lately with doctor appointments. On the other hand, my Facebook weight loss group challenge this week is to log as ma y miles as possible, be it by walking, running, biking, swimming, you get the picture. Not wanting to let my team down, I've been running every day this week, so my weekly mileage is actually higher than it's been in the recent past. I have a gym bag that I leave at work that contains a set of running gear. I can bop out for a quick 2 mile run over lunch, change my underwear and back into work clothes, slap on some deodorant, run my hands through my hair, and I'm all set for afternoon appointments. Nobody's yet complained about my appearance or odor!

I need the therapeutic effect of running right now because I do have some not-very-happy
moments. Last night I had a panic attack when I found the "Breast Book" at Barnes and Noble. I had another one on my way to Target tonight, when I passed Maple Grove Hospital, which is where I got my first mammogram 6 weeks ago. The pamphlets I got yesterday at the doctor's office describe how your emotions can change on a day-to-day basis, and they were right! I fear that they won't get it all with the first surgery, so they'll want to take off my breast. Or the cancer will come back and they'll want to take off my breast. Or they'll take off my breast and that won't cure it and then I'll need chemotherapy and then and then... I know, all of this is very unlikely, but me having DCIS was unlikely as well, wasn't it? I read somewhere that only 1 in 1300 hundred screening mammograms end up with a diagnosis of DCIS. Incredible!

I'm mostly doing fine. Hell, I'm going to Hawaii tomorrow! But IT is always hanging over my head, ready to pounce when I least expect it. So what do I do? I run. Literally.

Appointment 8 - Surgical consult and treatment plan

I decided to dress up a little for my meeting with the surgeon today. I figured that dressing professionally would put us at more of an even playing field, espeically after the smoothie incident with the surgeon yesterday. I think it worked - she was much more talkative this time around. This appointment was again at Abbott and Lisa came with me. My mom wanted to come, but she had already made plans to volunteer at my kids' school at that time. Again, they put a hospital wristband on me. Why? Were they afraid thay would do the consultation on the wrong person? Hospital protocol, I guess.

The nurse called us in to an exam room and went over all of the test results. The MRI was clean - no new lesions. Yay! Also the progesterone and estrogen receptor test on the biopsy came back - positive for both. She gave us a large folder filled with all sorts of breast cancer-related material. It weighs 1.75 pounds - I weighed it at work! No subject was left uncovered - there was even an article about how cancer can affect your sex life. She also recommended the Susan Love Breast Book, which must weigh like 3 pounds. Since I love to shop, especially for books, I'll be buying that book in the near future. Great beach reading for Hawaii, right?

The cool thing about the Piper Breast Center is that they have a ton of resources, ranging from the the straightforward medical stuff to support groups to an entire center that concentrates on alternative cancer theapies (like nutrition, acupuncture, etc.). She said we can use any of these resources as we wish. I think I also get a free life coach and a consultation with a psychologist. I need to look through everything more closely. It just struck me how medicine has changed in the past 1-2 decades. The patient is more informed, for one thing (thanks to the internet), and docs are more open about the various treatment options and the risks/benefits of each. The patient gets to make her own decision about treatment, with the guidance of the doctor, of course. They even gave us copies of the MRI and final path report without us even requesting them.

The surgeon was much more tan than the last time I saw her (remember, she was on vacation last week), and also less rushed. She went over the lumpectomy procedure, and then started talking about the other option - full mastectomy. She was describing implants and tissue expanders until I finally stopped her said that mastectomy wasn't even an option ofr me at this time. Statistically, the survival time with DCIS is the same with mastectomy as it is with lumpectomy plus radiation (a good prognosis either way).

I scheduled the lumpectomy for May 2 and plan to be back at work on May 3. I can't run for about a week after the surgery. Sometime in the next month or so I will also meet with an oncologist and a radiation oncologist. Starting a few weeks after surgery, I will have daily radiation for 5-6 weeks. I am also a candidate for Tamoxifen (an estrogen inhibitor) since my tumor does have estrogen receptors. I am not sure I want to take that drug because it would send me into a pseudomenopause and I'm not quite ready for that yet! I'll discuss it with the oncologist.

The surgeon also told me that because I was under 45 when diagnosed, I am at increased risk of having a BRCA 1 or BRCA 2 gene mutation, which could make me more likely to develop ovarian cancer. So I also get to meet with a genetic counselor to discuss getting tested for that. Wow! A whole lot of stuff, don't you think?

I started getting a little cavalier when talking to the doctor, asking her what sort of suture material she used, etc. I felt like I could, being that I was dressed better than she was, you know. Turns out, she prefers the kind I use on animals! So as a joke I plan to bring a pack of suture to my surgery and ask for a discount on the hospital supply fee for providing my own suture material. Ha ha! Finally, although the surgeon mention doing a quick exam, and there was a hospital gown waiting for me on the table, it never happened. That's two appointments in a row where my breasts were not handled! Yeah!

I did follow through with my plan to give the radiologist a thank you card. She wasn't there so I gave it to a nurse to put in her box. Hopefully she'll be the radiologist on when I have surgery (because again a radiologist needs to impant a radioactive seed first).

One thing the nurse did say was that telling people you have breast cancer is a lot like telling people you're pregnant. I'll get all sorts of unsolicited advice and I will hear many stories - some good and some bad, and to make sure that I keep in mind that everyone's disease is different. I've already been getting lots of advice and I will say that I am happy with my medical team and the treatment choices that I've made so far.

But my elbow still hurts

As you may recall, the reason I got my mammogram in the first place is because I went in to get an order for an elbow MRI, and I decided on the mammogram sort of as an afterthought. I have been dealing with elbow tendinitis for over 18 months and I'm getting sick of it. If you take away the emotional stress, my elbow is impacting my quality of life way more than my breast is. Prior to today, I have seen two docs, a physical therapist, and a chiropractor for this problem. I have had 4 corstisone injections, therapy, and even wore a big brace for awhile. The MRI diagnosed a chronic partial tear at the origin of the common digital extensor tendon - aka late stage lateral epicondylitis (or tennis elbow).

I have scheduled and re-scheduled a second opinion with an orthopedic surgeon several times since my MRI in March. Finally, I was able to make my appointment and drove down to Twin Cities Orthopedics in Edina this morning. What a fantastic building! It was huge and new and very busy, yet organized. There were like 6 different check in places depending on who your surgeon was. Many of the patients were either young athletes (like high school age) or really old (ie fractured hip age). It kind of gave me pause, going into the building. I'm no longer a young athlete, so I must be on my way to a broken hip. It's all downhill from this point on, isn't it? Crap! The surgeon was very nice, ordered up a second set of x-rays, and actually spent quite a bit of time explaining my options. Basically, if left alone, my tendinitis would likely "burn out" in a few years, but he did acknowledge that in the meantime I would be in as much pain as I currently am. How much pain is that? It's not severe, but it is constant. It even wakes me up at night. It affects my ability to do certain tasks, like get a gallon of milk from the refrigerator or grab one of my kids when they're misbehaving or running into the street (which, even at 7, the girls still do!).

He did recommend arthroscopic surgery, although he touched on some other treatment options such as platelet-rich plasma (which would not be covered by insurance, BTW). I would be out of work for 10-14 days, and have limitations for about 6 weeks. I am leaning towards having the surgery, but I have to wait until after my appointment with the breast surgeon tomorrow so that I can figure out the timing of the procedures. I would like to have the elbow surgery in June so that if I wasn't working, I would at least be able to be home with the kids.

I was sipping a smoothie on the drive to my appointment, when I had an unfortunate smoothie accident (which I did predict to Lisa before I left - just ask her!). I tipped the glass up and the half-frozen smoothie was inching down towards my mouth, when suddenly the entire thing came at me, covering much of my face and getting on my jacket. I had to use one of my kid's used socks that was lying on the floor of the van to wipe my face off. I thought I had it pretty much under control until I stopped in the restroom after my appointment and saw the berry smoothie lining the edges of my nostrils. Sweet. I wonder if the surgeon made note of that in his chart? "Extra infection control during surgery- this patient is not very hygienic."

No news about the breast MRI yet. At this point I guess I'll find out the results tomorrow at my appointment. The "big" appointment where I hear all about what I have and what the plan is. I'll let you know.

Guilt

Is it possible to feel guilty for being diagnosed with cancer? Well, if you're as neurotic as I am, the answer is yes. I've ben through pretty much every other emotion in the past week, so why not?

Why feel guilty? I don't feel guilty because I did anything to cause my illness. OK, I maybe could have had my kids before the age of 30, but I did try! That and the fact that my breasts are made up of a lot of fibrous tissue, rather than fat(read they are size A at best) are the only risk factors I have. If I developed diabetes, then I WOULD have reason to feel like I had it coming, given that I exist on a diet of peanut butter and chocolate chips (more so in the past month!).

No, I feel guilty because I barely have cancer. Is that possible? Can you only have a little cancer? It is stage 0, meaning that at this point it will not metastasize and kill me. Left untreated it can change into a more aggressive form and that is why I need to remove it now. However, as I see it now, I will probably have a simple lumpectomy and some radiation. Not even any chemotherapy to make me sick! I have received many many messages of support and offers of help, and I actually feel bad that people are so willing to help out when I feel just fine! And I have heard many many stories lately of women who have it much harder than I do. Mastectomy, drugs, death, you name it.

I remember complaining to a friend of mine several years ago, when I was in the middle of toddler hell, and then I stopped myself and told her, Why am I complaining? I have everything I wanted? Look at how many people who want to have kids but can't, or who are poor, or sick? And I will never forget her response. Stop comparing yourself to others. You are having a hard time and you have the right to complain. It's ok to feel a little sorry for yourself, because sometimes life does suck. Not as much as it may suck for some others, but what difference does that make?

And she was right. Although I only have a little cancer, it still does suck. I can't compare myself to those who have it worse off, because there will always be people worse off. I can own my feelings because they are justified.

I was at a meeting tonight where the conversation devolved into a round and round discussion about a point that I thought was fairly insignificant, but others thought was important. Several of the people could not find a common ground and I had to listen to them argue for over half an hour. Finally, I interrupted and said that this argument was about a small point in a small part of their lives and that given where my life is right now, I have come to realize that these things really don't matter anymore. Looking back on it, I think that was a cheap shot on my part. Yes, I may have felt that arguing about this topic didn't matter to ME because I now have bigger fish to fry, but that doesn't make their feelings any less real. They were really upset and some feelings were hurt during the course of the argument. Again, it doesn't matter if one person has a terminal illness and another just lost their pet and another is upset because they are fighting with their spouse. It all sucks, and its ok to feel that way once in awhile.

Appointment 7 - Breast MRI

Today was cold, windy, and rainy. A perfect day to drive 45 minutes to Abbott Northwestern Hospital for my breast MRI. I arrived at 8:35 for my 8:30 check-in (traffic) and waited for about 30 minutes before being called in. That place was busy! I swear there were at least 6 other patients in the waiting room at any given time. They must have at least 3-4 MRI and CT machines.

I was nervous about the IV catheter because historically people  have had trouble getting them into my crappy veins and the whole ordeal makes me want to throw up. However, this nurse was very good (in addition to being very nice and helpful) and it went pretty well. I had to lie on my stomach, with a nice foam cut-out for my breasts to hang through. I will say that this was the first appointment since this whole adventure began where they were not grabbed or fondled at all! That is one frustration with this particular diagnosis. Why couldn't I have foot cancer, or maybe ear cancer? I am pretty tired of my boobs being handled so much. It's sort of humiliating. This time, however, I just had to let them hang down as they rolled me into the machine. I've had several MRI's before, so that part was nothing new. If you haven't had the experience, it is very loud. There are lots of 1-4 minute sequences of loud buzzing and/or knocking. Kind of like an artillary battle. My only complaint was that I was in the machine for 45 minutes and my forehead was pressed down on a piece of foam for so long that I actually got a headache. And when I was finally allowed to get up, I couldn't see out of my right eye for awhile. The technician told me the images were good, except there was some motion on the last set. Darn! I have this desire to please authority and I want to be the ideal patient. But I moved! She said it was fine, no need to repeat them.

The scheduling nurse told me last week that there is a 30% call-back rate on these MRI's because they are soo sensitive. That means another biopsy. I didn't get a phone call today so I am hoping my luck carries me through one more day. Then I think I'm clear.

In keeping with my Monday theme of medical procedure followed by pampering, Lisa took me for my very first pedicure. Honestly, parts of it felt like another medical procedure (like when they file off all of the skin on your feet), but overall it was a fun event. And my toenails look fabulous.

I have also started a little ritual of wearing my hospital band for the entire day. I don't know why, maybe just so that I can embrace my journey. At the end of the day I cut it off and save it. For my cancer scrapbook, I suppose. Yeah, like I have time and energy to scrapbook. (Just ask the kids to show you theirs. That's right, they don't exist!)

Just so you know, I did sit the kids down last night and told them about my diagnosis. Frankly, they all took it very well, which I assume is helped by the fact that it is very treatable and I could reassure them I would be ok in the end. The only one to cry was Claire, and that is because she misunderstood me and thought that SHE would have to get a BIOPSY every year starting when she turned 40.

You know what? I don't feel sorry for myself anymore. This experience has sort of been a life-changer, and maybe in a good way. I feel like I'm on vacation from my real life for awhile. People's expectations of me have been way lowered; I sort of get a free pass for awhile. Take some time off of work! Just ask if you need me to watch the kids! We'll cook and clean and whatever you need! And I am allowing myself to be pampered, which is a rarity in my world. I love it! Especially because I'm not really sick.

Actually, the real reason I don't feel sorry for myself is that I am actually grateful. It was caught early. I have the best possible cancer and I know that I will be screened very closely for the rest of my life, so the docs will always be on top of things. Sort of when I had viral meningitis and had an emergency brain CT scan. It came out ok, and although being sick really sucked, I was a bit relieved to know that my brain looked normal. Not everyone can say with confidence that they don't have brain cancer at any given moment. At that time I could.

Another good part about today is that I weighed in at my lowest weight since starting the weight loss group 13 weeks ago. I am just over 2 pounds from my goal. AND my team won the week! Go Team Yellow!

Of mud and other stuff

Spring. Brings up images of singing birds, blooming flowers, and children playing happily outside. This does all happen, but the reality is that in Minnesota at least, spring is filled with water and its friend, mud.

Yesterday was a great day. I had a productive day at work (even managing to clean off my desk in between patients), followed by a much-needed trip out of town to visit my cousin Dan and his wife Heather at their cabin. We took the kids and dogs and everybody had a blast. It is nearing the end of the maple syrup season and we learned how to tap the trees and boil off the sap to make syrup. Livin' off the land! We put the kids to work hauling the sap in, then watched it boil for like 5 hours. The dogs ran around and played, the kids ran around and played, and the adults stood by the fire and drank. It was good. All of the fresh air made us tired and I fell into a deep, medicine-free sleep by 10 pm.

I woke up today to the sounds and smells of Dan making us pancakes with homemade syrup at 6 am, as we needed to leave by 8. The only problem was a pounding headache that is still with me 12 hours later. After church, we spent the rest of the day outside, cleaning up dog poop (well, Lisa cleaned up dog poop), putting out the patio furniture, "summerizing" the snowblower, and going for a 6 mile bike ride with the girls.

Now I sit inside, angry at all of the mud produced today. It is on the floor, the walls, in my kids' hair, wiped on our white towels. I am short with the kids, especially Morgan, who really knows how to push our buttons, and who is responsible for 90% of the indoor mud.  I just want to go to bed, my head hurts so bad, but I have to get the kids ready for the school week. Have I mentioned that kids are on their second shower of the day? And I have to clean up all of this damn mud.

I am also angry that I have been stuck at my current weight for 3 weeks. I am also angry that Marley keeps getting into the trash when we're gone for like 10 minutes. I got really angry at Morgan for breaking my bike helmet today. And I'm angry that I have to sit next to the piano for 90 minutes in order to make sure all 3 piano-playing kids get their practice time in. And have I mentioned the headache?

I started this adventure (pre-diagnosis) with a mission to better myself and it is obvious that I have back-slid a bit. I can't let my illness prevent me from being the best person I can, right? In fact, isn't something like cancer actually supposed to make you a better person? So what can I do? Well, I can't prevent the headache, but I can take some Advil. I can't make my kids behave like grown-ups, but I can alter the way I respond to their transgressions. I can chill out about the mud in the house. I can delight in the fact that I have three pretty awesome young pianists in the house (even if they don't exactly like it).

One thing I am doing well is I am appreciating my friendships. I have had so many friends and even acquaintences offer their help, and I'm not even sick! People really are awesome. I have also tried to spend more time with the really important people in my life. I am calling or otherwise communicating with so many friends and family members, and it's not just about the cancer. I really want to keep my ties strong. I also am so thankful that I really want to show it more. I am going to start by writing a thank you note to the radiologist who got the biopsy. How many radiologists do you think get thank-you cards? I appreciate her ability and her honesty and I am going to show it.

Tomorrow is what I am calling Step 1 in the Second Part of my saga. The First Part was getting to the diagnosis. The Second Part is moving forward and taking care of the problem. Step 1 is a breast MRI scheduled for tomorrow morning. I am kind of nervous because I have to have a contrast MRI, which means an IV catheter, and I tend to throw up whenever they try to place an IV in me.

The cool thing about a blog is that I get to spend the entire time talking about me! I love it! Because, unlike real conversations, if you don't want to listen, you don't need to! You can walk away! I won't know, and won't care! How neat is that? That is why I am able to spend sooo much time talking about the diagnosis. I need to get it out, and I don't have to do it by boring everyone I see. If I write it all out here, then I'll be able to actually ask others about their day when I run into them at the store. And that's a good thing.

The Kids

Not sure what to tell our kids (ages 7 and 9 - two of each), we elected to hold off for a bit. Perhaps that wasn't the best idea. I did talk a little to 7-year-old Morgan yesterday as we were walking up the street. I mentioned that I needed surgery to remove some tissue from my breast because, although it wasn't really cancer, they didn't want it to become cancer. I also explained radiation a little (a laser beam!). I also told her that she needed to take really good care of me afterwards, and of course she promised she would. I though the conversation went pretty well. Morgan is a tough one, because even now, she gets really upset about the passing of Lisa's mom, which happened almost 3 years ago. That is her only experience with cancer. Her n=1 ended in death.

Anyway, Lisa was on the phone with a friend last night and wasn't aware that Morgan was eavesdropping. I came home from my dinner to find Morgan playing by herself in her room, even though she and Claire had a friend over. She was really sad and started crying, so I carried her into my room and held her as we lay on my bed. I don't want you to die, Mommy! she cried. Who's going to read us stories before bed? And you make the best hamburgers! Good to know that one of her main memories of me are my hamburgers. They're not even that good! It's not like I'm Bobby Flay or anything. Although I do use this really good hamburger spice...

So I re-explained that I didn't really have cancer yet, or it was really early cancer and that with treatment I would be fine. She seemed ok after awhile. But then Jalen came in, having overheard part of our conversation. I think we need to sit all of the kids down and talk to them. Soon.

Coming out of the fog

OK, I know it's 5 am, but I actually did get a pretty good night's sleep. Without any sleeping pills! I did dream vividly about colonoscopies, though. In my dreams, I didn't get one, but I had many conversations about them. Probably because I've had many real-life conversations about colon cancer lately. I think colon cancer is a pretty common cancer as well. Stupid cancer.

I feel sort of like Laura Linney's character in the Showtime series "The Big C". In that show, her character (who also lives in Minnesota) is diagnosed with end-stage melanoma. So she starts to live life as if each day is her last. Which sounds cute and inspiring, but in reality, she becomes a little crazy. She'll say what's on her mind and do whatever she pleases, like having an affair with a relative stranger and even not telling her husband that she has cancer! OK, I guess I'm not like Laura Linney's character since I'm telling the world my story. And I have no aspirations to start sleeping around. But, I do feel a weird sense of freedom now. Mainly freedom to talk openly about this and how I'm feeling. And people are so nice to me! I'll take it while I can because I know that can't last forever.

I've been staying late at work most of the week, mainly because I haven't had the energy or desire to actually do the work when it should be done. So I haven't seen much of the outdoors, or my kids for that matter. However, I did go for a 3 mile run over lunch yesterday and it felt great. And you know what? I didn't GPS the distance or even time it! It may not have even been 3 miles! Maybe 2.7! I don't know and for once I didn't care. That's one lesson learned: sometimes it's fun to just go out and run.

I also haven't balanced our checkbook in over a month. Because money really isn't that important right now. Neither is catching up on the endless emails I receive. Or keeping the house clean. My Type A personality is going through a mini-transformation. I can pretty much guarantee that it will be a temporary one.

Tonight I am going out to dinner with a friend who has survived two different cancers, including the one I have. She's been a great resource for me and I'm looking forward to talking to her. And tomorrow our family is going maple syrup-ing at my cousin's cabin. It will be good to get out of town and good to be outdoors. I do miss the good old days, like February, when my main worries were work and figuring out how to get our over-scheduled kids to all of their activities. And I miss fighting with Lisa over stupid things. OK, I know that
sounds weird, but we haven't argued lately, because of this, and frankly I'd rather be fighting and not have cancer. Well, I'd rather do neither but you can't have everything.