Now what?

I am doing better today, but I still can't talk about anything related to my breast without choking up. So don't bring it up to me in person. It's funny how the mind can suffer, isn't it? Most of us can handle quite a bit of physical pain, but emotional pain is so much worse. I don't have a chronic mental illness, but there have been several times in my life where I have had profound acute depression/anxiety and it sucked. I'm going through a little of that right now, but it's not too bad. Mostly because I have been through it before and I know I'll get through it again. And also because of the Xanax.  :)

Many many years ago (I guess it would be about 11 years ago), I was trying to get pregnant and it too was a huge medical ordeal. Funny how, like this time, the doc would chase one diagnosis, which would lead to a different diagnosis, and on and on. I ended having many dozens of doctor appointments, several vaginal ultrasounds, a contrast study of my uterus (ouch, by the way), exploratory laparoscopic surgery, at least 10 intrauterine inseminations, and, of course, several different hormonal fertility medications. After my surgery, I did GREAT for 2 days, but then  I had a meltdown. I literally could not stop crying for 12 hours straight. I actually had to call in sick to work because I was crying too much! My doc made an emergency appointment with a therapist, which was great. I only needed to see her once and hear from her that it was ok to feel all of these emotions, which included helplessness, sadness, emotional letdown after a big event like surgery, and hopelessness that I was ever going to get pregnant. It took a few more days to be completely back to normal, but I got there. And I know I'll get there this time as well.

The Breast Book (which Lisa hates, by the way) has a whole chapter on what happens when treatment is over. Many patients do have feelings similar to post-traumatic-stress disorder, as well as survivor's guilt. And they almost don't know what to do with themselves because something that has taken so much of their time and energy is suddenly over. And then there's the worry about it coming back. I feel a little of all of that.

I have received many messages of support since starting this blog, and also messages of gratitude. I think the blog has opened some eyes to several issues, breast cancer notwithstanding. I also hope that by sharing my story, it will make others feel less alone as they work through whatever struggles they may have. Not everyone is as open as I am (obviously), but if you're out there and need help, just make it known and an army of friends will come your way. You have more people rooting for you than you think. I have certainly learned that in the past few months. One thing I can't promise you is a hug from me. Well, unless you REALLY need one.

So what am I going to do now? Well, I have a follow up appointment with the surgeon on Monday. I have canceled my genetic appointment. I may keep the appointment with the oncologist because I really want a second opinion on my future cancer risks and what follow up I would need (and also if I should consider Tamoxifin). I still have my elbow to worry about, now that I don't need radiation. That's where it all started, as you may recall. My elbow.

I also need to re-focus on my family. I have been distracted beyond belief lately and they deserve more of my attention. I also need to be more productive at work, or my boss may fire me. NOT! I am the boss! Ha ha! And I need some new things to dive in to. Training for the marathon, getting the garden going, making a bunch of small household repairs, blah, blah. Actually, I am mentally not ready to consider any of that yet. Like I said, give me a few days.

And this blog? I enjoy writing it and I think people enjoy reading it. I would obviously have to change the focus of it now if I continue with it. And since I'll be 41 next month, I may need to change the title as well. We'll see.