OK, 40 days into tamoxifen and I've become a crazy person. I told Lisa that she's probably going to leave me either now or when I really hit menopause, so she may just want to get it over with. Surprisingly, she hasn't left yet. I don't exactly remember the details of being a young teenager, but I imagine I was a lot like the 13 year olds I see now. Which is, borderline schitzophrenic. Now on the other end of my reproductive life, I'm feeling 13 all over again. I can be fine one minute but then I will explode with a mini-tantrum (usually in public, of course) the next minute. What happens is that I get these waves of flashes that results not only in me being hot, but also in me feeling faint and nauseas. Or like I'm going to have a seizure. Hard to explain. They happen several times a day and last only a minute or two, but the effects can linger.
Yes, I've talked to the doctor and we've cut the dose in half and changed the time of day I take it. However, I have the feeling that my time on this drug will be a short one. I go in for my recheck in September so I would like to make it until then, but we'll see. Since I don't actually have cancer and I am only using this to prevent it, I am not willing to risk my happiness for the slight benefit it gives me. If I get cancer I don't think I would feel bad because I really did try. I've thought this through and I'm ok with that.
I know you've also been wondering about my marathon training. I have run about 1/4 mile in the past 2 weeks. The sore foot that came up during my 15 mile run has really been hindering my running. I can walk ok, but it is excruciating to run. Man, if it's not one thing it's another, right? I plan to try again in 10 days, but in the meantime I'm biking and rollerblading like mad. I even got a sweet new pair of blades (with ABEC 9 bearings and 90 mm wheels).
I still am trying to find happiness. The crazy drug isn't helping. My sore elbow isn't helping. My bad foot certainly isn't helping. But it goes deeper than that. Having seen my mortality, I have a new take on things but it's not like in the movies where one suddenly embraces life after a big event. For one thing, I think I've done a pretty good job embracing it up until now. For another, I can't seem to figure out what I want for the rest of my life. I am in the fortunate position to have many opportunities, but that may actually make it harder to commit. One opportunity I have is to cut my hours at work a little. Maybe by 5 a week. For the first time since graduating vet school, I wouldn't be working full time. I feel sort of guilty about that, especially since I own the practice, for crying out loud, but on the other hand, if I can afford it, why not? I can spend those 5 hours doing other things I love, including spending more time with the kids, going to the gym (petty, I know), starting some new projects, or even advancing my veterinary career.
I haven't made a decision on that yet. What I'm afraid of is if I work less but I'm still not happy. Then what? Ugh. Well, I think I have to try it. And I think I have to get off of this drug. And heal my foot. Then maybe things will turn around.
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