But do we ever really change?

I met up today with a friend who was diagnosed last year with DCIS, the same cancer I was told I had. Her treatment ended six months ago, but she says it still messes with her mind on occasion. I totally get that. I still think about it a lot (every day, in fact). And interestingly, I look back on the two month cancer ordeal with some nostalgia. It seems crazy, but there were many good aspects of that time. For one thing, I checked out of normal life for awhile. I pretty much just took a break, and the world gave me permission to do so. Also, I had a completely new perspective on life. Things that I thought were important no longer were, and vice versa. It was kind of like a honeymoon between me and the rest of the universe. I loved everyone and they loved me. Little things didn't matter. I didn't get all mad about minor annoyances like I normally do.

But, as I explained to my friend, I feel myself reverting back to the person I was before February 28. My personality has been shaped by unyielding genetics as well as 40 years of experience. It's not going to change completely just because of one life-altering event. Yes, New Jami is starting to revert back to some Old Jami ways. And that is a little sad. I liked the New Jami. I liked not caring about money and whether the house was clean. I liked not yelling at the kids or getting into stupid arguments with Lisa. I liked seeing the good in people, and wanting to reach out to everyone.

OK. It's not as bad as you think. The Old Jami wasn't an ogre, and the new New Jami still has some of the qualities of the old New Jami. Does that make sense? I am a forever changed person, but now I see that it will take effort to keep some of these changes as part of my personality. However, I have seen the light, if you will, and I know the validity of being kinder and gentler. I am more keenly aware of the value of friendships and family. And I am re-thinking my goals and the mark I want to make on this world.

I just finished reading an article in Time Magazine about optimism. One of points made in the article was that humans are hard-wired to be optimistic. It specifically mentions that people will even see the bright side of a cancer diagnosis, much like I have. I don't regret the medical journey that I've been on. Yes, it was rough at times, but that's life, you know? It is part of my narrative and one of the many events that has, and will continue to, shape my life. I have to accept that, and honor the journey.