Gay Marriage and the MN Marriage Amendment

Yesterday I gave a talk at church about how I feel about the  proposed MN Marriage Amendment. Since I am too busy (and lazy) to write new material for my blog, here is a copy of my talk (edited a little).

 This November the people of Minnesota will be asked to vote for or against the following measure: Shall the Minnesota Constitution be amended to provide that only the union between one man and one woman shall be recognized as marriage in Minnesota?

My partner, Lisa, and I have been a couple for over 16 years. During that time, we graduated from veterinary school, moved to three different states, started our careers, and had four kids. We now live in Maple Grove, MN, which is about as white-bread an American suburb as one can get. And we like it!

Three years ago, I gave a ten minute talk about my family as part of a GBLT service at church. During my speech, I brought up the subject of gay marriage. While I lost the hard copy of my speech somewhere along the way, I distinctly remember saying that I was pretty ambivalent about the whole thing. For one, I wasn’t really big on the institution of marriage. It certainly doesn’t seem to mean much, when 43% of first-time, and an even higher percentage of second or later marriages end in divorce. Plus, marriage doesn’t even seem to be the norm these days. In 2007, unwed mothers accounted for almost 40% of births. Finally, I consider myself a rather strong and independent person. One who is sort of taken aback when I see straight people clamoring for the right for ME to marry my partner. Heck, I think. It’s my fight, and I will fight it if I feel like it.

However, something happened a couple of months ago that is making me re-think my views. It involves my mom. Out of the blue, she gave me a check for $50, which to a retired person on a fixed income, is a lot of money, and told me to donate it to an organization that is fighting the Minnesota marriage amendment. I haven’t even donated anything myself, and here was MY MOM giving me money for the cause. My mom doesn’t really donate to causes, and other than voting every 2-4 years, she is not at all involved with politics of any kind.

Why would my mom care so much about this issue? Well, of course we’re Scandinavian so we won’t be talking about it, but I suspect it could be for a couple of reasons. First, she only has one daughter, and that daughter has never walked down the aisle on her wedding day. Maybe she feels that I, and she, is missing out on a big moment in life. Or maybe it’s because she doesn’t want her grandchildren raised, I don’t know, illegitimately. Or maybe, and I suspect this is the real reason, she doesn’t want her daughter to be discriminated against. No parent wants anything but the best for their kids, and because of the political atmosphere right now, her daughter cannot enjoy the same rights as her heterosexual son. And if nothing else, my mom was always fair to her children.

Anyway, if my mom is willing to put some skin into the game, maybe I should too. But first, I have to come to grips with a few things. One is that even some of my good friends and close relatives do not want me to have the right to marry my life partner. Their religious and political views make them draw the line at marriage, even though they are apparently accepting of my sexuality. In fact, my cousin, who LOVES Lisa (and me, of course), left his church for a different one because his former church was liberalizing its views on homosexuality.  Another thing to consider is that being married adds weight to one’s relationship. Standing up in front of a bunch of people and professing to love and honor each other until death do us part, means something. It means it is for real. And maybe, like Brad and Angelina’s kids, our kids would want that security too. Finally, it is no secret that being in an unmarried domestic partnership is a pain. It is more expensive – we pay more in taxes and had to go through expensive adoption and will-writing and power of attorney processes. It is more complicated, it is fraught with potential holes where inheritance, or hospital visitation, or the rights of one partner to make decisions for the other if needed could be jeopardized. And if we split up, I can’t imagine the mess that would have to be sorted out. What would happen to our property and our kids? Who would decide?

But let’s put the legal and financial implications aside, and talk about how the issue of denying gay marriage makes me feel. And I feel hurt. Society is telling me, “Hey Jami. We like you. You are a nice person and a productive member. But your relationship with the person you love? The commitment that is 16 years old and produced four children? That’s not good enough for us. You can’t join our club. You relationship is less important, less valid than our straight marriages. And I guess that makes you less important too. Sorry!”

Lots to think about.  But the reality is that it is an injustice. I am a productive and law-abiding  citizen but I am not granted the same rights and privileges that are given to most of you. And even in the year 2012 there are many people, even in the semi-liberal state of Minnesota, who want to defend marriage by making it inaccessible to me. It doesn’t make sense. Allowing gay people to marry each other doesn’t threaten marriage. Adultery, abuse, divorce, couples not putting their marriage first, not honoring those vows, OR not getting married in the first place - those are the real threats to the institution of marriage. There is a phrase floating around on Facebook these days. It says: “Giving someone else equal rights does not infringe or take away the rights of you. It just makes it illegal to enforce your prejudice and hate. It’s that simple.”