I'm not all that.

I do not suffer from a low self esteem. In general I consider this to be a good thing, as it makes me confidant and willing to challenge myself, because I "know" I will be successful. I have high regards for myself partly because things have come relatively easy in my life. I have had many successes and few failures. I am good at a lot of things, and the things that I am not so good at I simply choose not to do (gymnastics, for example, since I have the balance and flexibility of a toothpick). And I'm funny to boot!

However, thinking that I am all that does have it downsides. It makes me too cocky to see things the way they really are. I makes me unwilling to challenge some of my thoughts and behaviors because I KNOW I am doing it the right way. It makes me lazy, because I often don't have to work very hard to do a good job.

In the past few days, my self esteem has been taken down a few notches. And I had the gall to actually be surprised when faced with failure, or when it was made very clear to me that I can be a big f**k up.

And I am not, I repeat NOT, writing this because I am looking for people to tell me that I'm a great person. I am not looking to be propped up now. I have already been made well aware of my awesomeness, and now it's time to take a look at the un-awesome me.

I don't know what to do with myself. All this talk I've been doing lately about self-discovery or finding inner peace might be fine and dandy when I thought I was perfect, but it all changes when I find out I'm not. I don't need to find myself. I need to FIX myself. I have flaws, and not just the cute flaws that make me so endearing either.

I will be 42 next month. A fine age to realize that I have a lot of growing up to do. And that my way isn't the best way after all.

I guess admitting that is the first step, right?