My Big Gay Night Out

Well, lo and behold, we actually had some takers to my gay bar invitation in the last post! Our friends Michael and Jason have been together for like 14 years but had never been to a gay bar together! AND because they moved here a few years ago from the east coast, they had never been to a gay bar in Minnesota! So no time like the present, right?

We picked the Gay 90's, probably the most famous of the Twin Cities gay bars. Lisa and were last there in 1996, when it was really just a hole-in-the-wall gay bar. All I remember of that adventure is the two of us being picked up by a straight guy. Well, he attempted to, anyway. Yep, that's what two lesbians want more than anything - to go home with a guy for a little threesome. Ick.

I guess that a few years later the 90's became a really popular dance bar for straight people and continues to draw them to this day. They have a drag show on Saturday nights at 9:45 so the four of us decided to meet then. Wow, getting to a bar a 9:45! I'm usually in bed by then!

The drag show was pretty good. It was entertaining and raunchy. I would say that about 1/3 of the audience were straight gals out for someone's birthday or bachelorette party, 1/3 were gay men, and the remaining 1/3 was made up of straight men (dragged in by their girlfriends) and lesbians. Those straight girls got into it the most for sure! I do have one burning question, however. Where do drag queens hide it? I mean it! I don't get it where it goes!

Not to overanalyze it (but then again, that's what I do), but it is sort of a mixed blessing that gay bars and drag shows have become so popular among straight people. I mean, it's great that homosexuality is becoming more acceptable, but on the other hand, I think that it is sometimes sort of glamorized and put on display (like art, or zoo animals), especially at the drag shows. Straight people can feel really cool and open-minded, but they are being shown a really extreme side of "the life". Kind of a cartoon version of gay life. Kind of like... dare I say... black face performers a hundred years ago? Discuss.

We stayed out until after midnight! I know! And I was called Ellen Degeneres only twice during our walk on Hennepin Avenue to and from the bar. Ellen who?

Anyway, it still was fun and we may just do it again! As you now know, it is perfectly acceptable for straight people to go to gay bars, so if we go again, who wants to be on our invite list?

Am I gay enough?

My family had a 12 hour car ride today, so Lisa and I had plenty of time to talk and we somehow got to reminiscing about the first few years of our relationship. It was a thrilling/scary period in my life, because I had the tandem events of falling in love and coming out at the same time. The falling in love part, of course, was incredible. The coming out part was a little more challenging. I finally had to accept what I (and even a former boyfriend of mine) had suspected for years. I was gay. Then, I had to navigate through the entire coming out process - first to my vet school roommates, then to my friends, then to my brother, then to my ex-boyfriend (who was obviously not surprised), then to my parents. And then my friends and family had to come to terms with that information and then out me to their friends and family. And the tide continued until pretty much everyone in my life at the time knew. 

But as any gay person will testify, you have to keep coming out your entire life, any time you meet someone new and choose to tell the truth about your family. I admit, I don't tell every person I meet - I have been known to lie by omission if the situation warranted it. But I am continually meeting new people, and most of them (especially since I have kids) assume I am straight. Here we go again. That awkward moment of me explaining my family, followed by the awkward moment on the other person's part, where they apologize for making a wrong assumption. And I never really know how they feel about it, do I? Are they ok with me being gay? Will they still bring their pets to me? Will they allow our kids to play together? Will they still want to hang out with me?

So, being gay is challenging. But I wouldn't trade it for anything. For one thing, if I weren't gay, I wouldn't be with Lisa, right? For another, I belong to a minority group, with its own culture. I am "in" with the gay/lesbian crowd because I am one of them. I get it. You can be as gay-friendly as you want, but if you're not gay, your not 100% in. And it's sort of cool. I can go to Pride events as "one of them". I can bring my kids to Rainbow Family conferences and talk about what it's like to be a gay parent, and what it must be like to be a kid with gay parents. I can play in lesbian softball league (which is where I met many of my lesbian friends).

However, I am not as gay as I was 15 years ago. Not that I am not as attracted to women as I was (in fact, the opposite is true - the more comfortable I am with my sexuality, the more I am open to being attracted to members of the same sex). The thing is, I am no longer really living the gay lifestyle. We don't go to gay bars, I stopped playing lesbian softball years ago (too much drama!), and now that we have kids, we have more in common with our straight married-with-kids-and-possibly-even-Republican-suburbanites than we do with some of our gay friends. And to be honest, the Rainbow Family conference scares me a little - too many crunchy lesbians raising their kids with a vegan diet and no TV. What do I have in common with these people??

Lisa used to have a rainbow flag hanging on our wall and a rainbow triangle on our car. Now we don't have any of that. I think it's because when you first come out, you want to announce it to the world. And you also want to find others like you. But then we kind of became comfortable enough in our sexuality that we didn't feel we needed to wear it on our sleeves. And maybe having kids changes things a little too. I don't know. 

But I miss it. I miss the camaraderie. I miss going to gay bars and being able to dance with my spouse without anyone giving it a thought. I miss being able to talk to gay people about what it's like, or not having to talk about it because they get it too. I miss not having to explain my family, because it's already assumed that I'm gay.

Anyway, Lisa and I decided to jump back into the fold. We're going to a gay bar Saturday night. Who's in? Or better yet, where can we find one?

Reflecting. On reflecting.

For various reasons, lately I have been reflecting on my life and who I am. Ah, who am I kidding; I am always reflecting on my life! And one of the things I reflect about is why others don't do the same. Why can some people make their way through this world without giving it much thought? Or is that true? Maybe I'm us more vocal about it. However, I do think that I suffer from some sort self-awareness overdrive. And it's maddening. I think too much. I can't just be in the moment - I have to contemplate why the moment exists, whether I am happy or sad, what this moment means for the future, what am I learning from it. God, I can go on and on.

The good things about this personality trait are:
I am very self-aware. I know who I am.
I am constantly trying to learn from my mistakes and become a better person.
I am working on becoming more spiritual. I assume this is a good thing.

The bad things about this personalty trait are:
I really don't know who I am. The more I contemplate the more confused I become.
I can annoy people (especially those close to me) by overanalyzng every situation, every interaction.
I am so self-absorbed, I don't really know what is going on with other people.
I am frustrated when others don't seem to think like I do.
I think so much, I sometimes have a hard time concentrating on the task at hand. Or sleeping.
I am never really satisfied with where I am. I am always searching for more.

OK. Looking at this list, it looks like the negative outweighs the positive, doesn't it? Dammit! I knew it!

Well, I can't change my personality, can I? And I certainly can't change the personality of others. So I guess that means I have more reflecting to do - how to accept myself and others for who they are.