Cancer can make you crazy. I think anybody's that been touched by the disease in any way would probably agree. Even my most sane-appearing cancer-survivor friends have moments of temporary insanity. And although it diminishes, the fear never really leaves. If you've had a relative die of cancer, you know you're genetically marked and could develop the same disease at any time. If you yourself have had cancer, or are considered high-risk, you're always on the watch for it to rear its ugly head again.
How has it affected me? Well, 99% of the time, it hasn't. I go about my life as always. I had my nervous breakdown last spring and I'm over that part. But, as you know, I am vigilant now, so I started doing breast self-exams and exactly 16 days ago (not that I'm counting) I felt a lump. I didn't panic at first, but I did end up going to not one, but two doctors in the next week or so. Both told me not to worry but to recheck in 6-8 weeks. So at first I didn't worry. But then I noticed that the lump was changing, and it certainly wasn't going away. It was more firm and starting to be a little painful. Is that a good sign? Statistically, yes. Pain is usually associated with benign conditions. But 11% of breast cancer presents itself with a painful mass.
So last week I called my surgeon. The tone of her voice was just a little on the annoyed side, as I'm sure she gets phone calls like this a lot. No, Jami. It is not going to hurt to wait the 6 weeks to have it checked again. Studies have shown that. Coming in sooner will not help, and may result in an unnecessary biopsy.
My poor primary physician. He is married to a friend of mine (and fellow veterinarian). Because I've become a little crazy, I've been having conversations with his wife that go like this: Can I come over to you house and I'll even bring beer and your husband (and even you if you want, since the more opinions the better) can feel me up again? Or (from her), how about I bring our kitten into your clinic for vaccines and I'll bring my husband and he can check you in your office?
Isn't that a little nuts?
The irony is not lost on me. Last spring all of my tests were doctor-driven. I was in a state of shock for much of the time and just let them lead me from one procedure to next. I didn't have a lump or any symptoms, so the whole thing was a bit surreal. I almost didn't believe it was happening. This time around, I found a lump, a tangible sign that all is not right. Because it sort of hurts, I am reminded of it often, even if I've stopped obsessively checking it out. I am the one wanting to be more aggressive. Heck, if the surgeon told me she wanted to take it out, at this point I'd jump right into the operating room. Yes! Take it out! Do SOMETHING!
However, I am actually in a much better state of mind this week than last. I can be patient (although it is not one of my stronger suits). I can wait the 34 days until my next doctor appointment. I can do this. I am not crazy. For now.
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